Plus 6 Tips For A Loving Marriage, from the author of Back on Top:
I went to Carrie Underwood’s wedding today.
Actually, I spent the day hovering in our boat outside the Ritz Carlton Lodge on Lake Oconee, where her wedding took place. Carrie rented out the entire resort, and no one but her guests was allowed within 100 yards of the pool, restaurant or golf course. Even the nearest coves were closed. (How can you close a waterway? With a security guard, a big boat, and, I’m supposing, a big payment.)
Now, it’s not as if I’m Carrie’s fan club president, although I do like her songs and she seems incredibly sweet. But for this small sleepy town in Greensboro, Georgia, where I have a small sleepy lake house, this was a Really Big Deal: one of our hometown-girls-made-big chose our neck of the woods for her nuptials. And if we weren’t before, suddenly we were smitten.
Dozens of other locals-filled boats hovered with me for hours. We swapped stories of spotting Tim McGraw at our local grocery store (apparently false) of seeing a surprise fireworks show the night before (true and fabulous!), and speculating on where the wedding tent was located, since, from where we floated, we could only see a glimpse of white canvas peeking out from the woods.
Most of the people on the water were huge fans of Carrie’s, but the real deal for me is that I am a huge fan of LOVE. And in some ways, I consider myself an expert, having spent 14 years in couples’ therapy. I know what you’re thinking: my marriage dissolved several years ago. Details, details. But I am certain that I have one of the world’s most caring relationships with my ex, and that, as I am often told by friends, family and strangers, is a pretty amazing accomplishment. I am also in a committed going-on-four-years relationship with a loving, capable, beautiful man who is 10+ years my junior. And all of us, including my son, consider each other family.
That’s love.
So, from the longest-running couples’ therapy client and luckiest divorcee,` my wedding gift to Carrie is these top tips for a loving marriage:
1. Stay true to who you are. Getting married does not mean losing yourself, your dreams or your values to another person. It means sharing with and in each other.
2. Find your voice. Your husband, no matter how connected you are, will not be able to read your mind (correctly, anyway). Being silent or passive about your wants and needs will not nurture your relationship and may cause resentment. Being stubborn or demanding won’t work either. Marriage is a lot like a dance; and Carrie, I know you will find your own rhythm and lyrics. But if you are afraid to speak your mind or be honest about your feelings, it’s up to you to learn to overcome that fear and communicate in a healthy way.
3. Kindness is sexy. I interviewed dozens of men for my book, and the quality they notice second in a woman is kindness – how she treats others, including the waitstaff on a first date. (The top quality they notice is not breasts; it is a woman’s smile. At least that’s what the survey showed! ) I have no doubt that Carrie was raised to be a lady, and that goes a long way. A simple “please” and “thank you” when you ask your husband to take out the trash or pass the pasta; the thoughtfulness of bringing your guy a glass of water when you’re getting one for yourself; the grace to say and show your appreciation on a regular basis. It’s the same consideration we show our girlfriends, because they wouldn’t take anything less from us.
4. Compromise is an act of faith. My marriage was not much of a partnership – I felt that the bulk of the work fell to me, and I know many women feel the same way. But how much of that is our unwillingness to compromise? Does it really matter if the pillows are under or over the comforter? Is it really a dealbreaker if he plays poker with the guys every Thursday night? Will your children truly suffer if they wrestle with their dad right before bedtime once in a while? Compromising with your husband shows that you have faith in his abilities and decisions, too.
5. Come from your heart. This was one of the earliest and best lessons I received in therapy. When you have constructive criticism or a complaint (and you will), come from a place of love. Before you say it, consciously think how you love this man, and then say it with that energy in your mind and in your voice. You’ll be amazed how it feels to you, and how much more receptive your husband is to hearing you.
6. The marriage comes first, and so do each of you. How can all three come first? Because you stand for the values that show respect toward your marriage and yourselves. I could list dozens of qualities that your marriage deserves, but a few of the ones that should come easily and readily are compassion, honesty, support, trust, forgiveness, humor, and friendship. Stand up for these qualities, and you stand up for yourself. Compromise on any of them, and the marriage is compromised.
As I sit here on the water, hour after hour, with the man I love (who, by the way, is showing an inordinate amount of patience, particularly since we haven’t actually seen anyone except security guards and paparazzi), I consider my life of love, loss, and love again. And I think to myself, do I still truly believe in love?
I do.
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